[Erenville reluctantly met E'kayan's eyes, brows furrowed has he struggled to not crumple before the Miqo'te as the he spoke. His lips pursed as his chest hitched again but as E'kayan spoke, it was becoming more difficult. The tears he thought he was fresh out of overflowed and slid down his face.
E'kayan was right. Of course he was and he had promised his mother that he would see all the things she never got to see. It just... it felt so difficult to do so right now. To get up after all that? He nodded, acknowledging E'kayan's words even as he sniffled pathetically again. He swallowed around the lump in his throat.]
How do you do it, Kayan? Find the strength to press on after losing someone dear to you?
[His shifted his fingers to interlace with the Miqo'te's. ]
[The question halts him. He looks away and smiles faintly, shaking his head and then taking the handkerchief from Erenville's hand to wipe the tear tracks off his cheeks.
Gods, but how many people has he lost now? The memory of walking into the Waking Sands to find most of its inhabitants dead still haunts him even years later. Haurchefant, Moenbryda, Y'sayle, so many others... Most of the people he has lost have died right in front of him, or been discovered by him.
He shakes his head again.]
For a long time, I thought I couldn't. [The Miqo'te puffs out a breath and sets himself back on the ground, offering Erenville his handkerchief back.] But... I wasn't given a choice. I had to press on because if I didn't, more people were going to die. Because if I didn't, I...
[It's different. He chews his lower lip for a moment.]
I couldn't stop and feel any of it for a while. It's... I wouldn't recommend trying to live like that.
[Erenville may have been wallowing in his own sorrows just a moment ago, but he does not miss the way E'kayan's face shifts. He realized then that his question shouldn't have been asked.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but the other man answered his questions nonetheless. So, he remained quiet even as the tears were cleared off his cheeks. He looked down at the handkerchief held out to him, taking it silently.]
I am sorry. I... I did not mean to... [He continued to look down at the handkerchief, not quite sure how to feel about unintentionally making his partner remember past wounds like that. He did not know the person or people the other man had lost, he had not asked, it was not his place to.] I'm sorry.
[But, he had to agree, it was certainly no way to live. Erenville had always withdrawn into himself and, if he hadn't E'kayan with him now, he likely would have far more than he had just now.
And hadn't that been his mother's goal? To get Erenville to open up? Become more sociable and rely on others? And E'kayan certainly did have his friends, the Scions, to rely on. He pocketed the handkerchief and decided to act on impulse for a change... and likely because he hadn't allowed himself this even as his mother was due to fade away. He shifted where he sat, laying himself against E'kayan's chest. He was much taller than the Miqo'te, so there was going to need some adjusting but this time, he wanted to be held. One large ear listened to his heartbeat and he closed his eyes.]
[And he is, he realises as he says that out loud. All that loss, the hurt, everything he'd been through... he is okay now. He's all right, he's stronger than he's ever been, and he's ready to face whatever this new threat against their home star might be.
He isn't expecting Erenville to move like that and he lifts his arms out of the way until the Viera has himself situated. A little laugh bubbles out of him as he brings them down to curl around him, one hand pushing through his hair and rubbing gently against the base of one of his long, soft ears.]
Heh... [It's... nice. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.] I love you, Elene'shpya. You know that, right?
[Good, he was glad E'kayan was okay. He believed him. He sighed quietly once they were situated. His ear twitched lightly at the touch, as it always did, but it was always in delight rather than annoyance.
And he was glad that his face was currently mostly hidden into E'kayan's shirt because his cheeks were darkening a bit at the words. But he did not disagree and he nodded against the man's chest.]
Yes, I know. [A beat.] I love you, too.
[He did. He really, really did. He buried his face a bit deeper into E'kayan's shirt.]
[Even knowing it, hearing it still makes his heart start racing. Gods, how could he get so lucky that an amazing person like this would love him back.
He sits in silence a little while longer, just gently stroking his palm against Erenville's ear and rubbing his fingertips around the base. Whatever time he needs to decompress and sort through his thoughts E'kayan will gladly give it to him and be there waiting when he comes through to the other side.]
You really did have a trial by fire to see what I mean when I say I'm an adventurer... [E'kayan murmurs thoughtfully after some time has passed. It's something he's thought of more than once, how Erenville always knew what he did was dangerous but he never really saw the reality of it.]
I'd say I'm sorry for dragging you into it, but... you wanted to come, and I don't think I could have stopped you.
[His face was pretty much dry, his chest no longer hitching, and outside of his eyes feeling a bit scratchy and puffy, Erenville did feel much better now. Lighter, almost.
He puffed a sigh at those words, hiding his eye roll that was often reserved for Wuk Lamat.]
You wouldn't be sorry, anyway. And I had a certain "little kitten" to watch over, so of course I needed to join you. [And he isn't talking about you, E'kayan. Really, why does he suffer Wuk Lamat's antics? And yet, he never refused her, either.] Besides... it was my home. How could I not?
[But, E'kayan wasn't wrong. He never truly grasped the magnitude of the Warrior of Light's adventures. They were more than just a typical adventurer's journey. Much, much more.]
[He does not venture to say that they could have very well watched over Wuk Lamat without him, but in the end they really had needed Erenville for his familiarity with the land and the things he could tell them as a guide. E'kayan had hesitated to put him in danger but the gleaner always seemed to know when it was appropriate to retreat, and how to hide, and he never gave the Miqo'te reason to worry about his safety.
But then, it wasn't his safety that prompted the most concern in the end.
E'kayan has noticed how he's relaxed a little against him, though, and he pets lightly at one of his ears again.]
How could you not. [He murmurs in agreement.] Still, I wish I could've... I wish things could have been different, you know? I would have liked to see your village, and... all of that.
[Erenville was definitely there more to be a guide than Wuk Lamat's babysitter, but he also just wouldn't have felt comfortable being at the Hrothgar's side despite all his grousing. Not that he would ever admit to this, nope. But, his experience as a gleaner at least taught him well on how to avoid danger. He was confident that he would, and was not, a burden throughout the entire journey.]
...I wish you could have seen it as well. [All E'kayan got to see were abandoned ruins. It had been a shock to Erenville, seeing his house falling apart, completely emptied. There had been no signs that anyone had lived there, all in a matter of 30 years of abandonment. And if things had been different, well... he wouldn't be mourning in the Botanical Gardens, now would he?] It's not unlike the Outskirts, I suppose... without all of the Alexandrian technology.
[It's difficult to even begin to imagine how it must have felt to see his home looking like that. For E'kayan, who had nothing but a vague image in mind of what it might look like, it was a shock. Erenville, though... it had to have been devastating.
He continues to idly pet the man's hair while he talks, sometimes stroking at ear or rubbing gently behind it. Erenville could be so withdrawn and quiet, so unlike E'kayan and yet... he does understand.]
Maybe you can tell me about it some time. [Maybe not now, when it still hurts, but... some time.] But, you know... I hope that you don't go too far until we figure out where to go next. We might need you again. If you think you'd be willing.
[To be honest, it wouldn't have been so bad if the people remembered Cahciua. Losing his home was one thing, but home was where your family was, no? His mother was gone and only a few now remembered her. It almost felt like he didn't have a home anymore.
It almost brought fresh tears to his eyes, but what stopped him was knowing that it wasn't true. Yyasulani may no longer feel like home to him, but E'kayan was here. The Scions, everyone in Tuliyollal, even Sharlayan. He still had a place to belong and it was enough to stave off the sudden feeling homelessness.]
[It's nice. Comforting to know that Erenville is only a call away should he need him. He has so many amazing, reliable friends now...
The Miqo'te chuffs softly through his nose and gently urges the other man to shift a bit so he can lean down and press a soft, chaste kiss against his lips (after a quick glance around to make sure no one is observing them, but the gardens are quiet today).]
How do you feel about a quiet night in tonight? I'll make your favourite meal.
[Erenville was content to just lie here in E'kayan's arms for a time, but when he was urged to move a bit, he rolled slightly to his back to look up at the other man curiously. But, the soft kiss was pressed against his lips and his ears relaxed against the grass beneath them as he sighed quietly, eyes closing.
The kiss was quick, but no less full of warmth. He was sad it was chaste. He opened his eyes to look back up at the other man, he nodded with a small smile.]
[Oh, but his ears are just too cute. E'kayan gives another one of them a pet, easily able to do so with them being positioned as they are, and he looks fondly down into the other man's golden eyes with an expression of absolute, complete adoration.]
Then I'll do just that. I'll need to go by the market on the way home but I'm sure I have almost everything I need. [Gently, he strokes his thumb against Erenville's temple.]
And you know... it's okay to be upset. You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling about what happened.
[There was a few things they were going to need from the market just in general, anyway. So, detouring to the market on their way home would be fine. It wasn't like it was currently dinner time, they had the rest of the afternoon to get back to Amberfall.
He leaned into the touch at his temple. He closed his eyes with a nod.]
Yes, I know. I just... [He was still learning and adjusting to not being so solitary. But, evidently, his mother's entire goal for tasking him with finding the city of gold and to became a gleaner had not actually been to find the city of gold. But it was to learn to open up, not be so withdrawn and "dour". While he was... less unsociable than previously, it was still a work in progress.] 'Tis difficult at times. Not to fall into old habits.
[It's a little funny. He has always known that Erenville was a solitary sort of person - the way he lived his life attested to that - but just how much he tended to prefer his own company hadn't really been in E'kayan's mind until he met the man's mother. After all, hadn't Erenville not just spent weeks in the near-constant company of himself, Wuk Lamat, and the twins (amongst others)?
Those old habits of his might well be more shaken off than he realises... though the Miqo'te understands how he might still slip into them under this kind of stress.]
Yeah. I get that. I think. [He pets one of Erenville's long ears in slow, gentle strokes.] ... When we got back from Ultima Thule, I didn't feel like I could let anyone see how much of a mess I was. I'm happy I can help you with this.
[Erenville opened his eyes, looking up at the other man. He had not truly known the details of Ultima Thule, just the surface level kind. He was not the kind of man to pry, so he had yet to really ask for more on what happened that far out in the universe.
He likely wouldn't for awhile longer, it simply did not feel it was his place. Erenville didn't mind not knowing.]
[He wanted to. There were people - Alisaie and G'raha especially - that he might have eventually felt able to talk to about it all, but things never seemed to stop when it came to the Scions and himself in particular, and by the time he'd settled things in his own mind they were gearing up for another adventure.]
But... as it turns out, I didn't really need to. Going to Tural with you, helping Lamaty'i and Koana, and everything that we did together... It helped. More than any of you could ever know.
[The Miqo'te smiles, lifting his head up and looking out at the flowers and lush plants surrounding them.]
I was still having trouble with knowing that I didn't just have to do everything on my own. It was nice to take a back seat for once. To be someone who was just part of the team, not the leader.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-07-01 10:45 pm (UTC)E'kayan was right. Of course he was and he had promised his mother that he would see all the things she never got to see. It just... it felt so difficult to do so right now. To get up after all that? He nodded, acknowledging E'kayan's words even as he sniffled pathetically again. He swallowed around the lump in his throat.]
How do you do it, Kayan? Find the strength to press on after losing someone dear to you?
[His shifted his fingers to interlace with the Miqo'te's. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-01 10:58 pm (UTC)[The question halts him. He looks away and smiles faintly, shaking his head and then taking the handkerchief from Erenville's hand to wipe the tear tracks off his cheeks.
Gods, but how many people has he lost now? The memory of walking into the Waking Sands to find most of its inhabitants dead still haunts him even years later. Haurchefant, Moenbryda, Y'sayle, so many others... Most of the people he has lost have died right in front of him, or been discovered by him.
He shakes his head again.]
For a long time, I thought I couldn't. [The Miqo'te puffs out a breath and sets himself back on the ground, offering Erenville his handkerchief back.] But... I wasn't given a choice. I had to press on because if I didn't, more people were going to die. Because if I didn't, I...
[It's different. He chews his lower lip for a moment.]
I couldn't stop and feel any of it for a while. It's... I wouldn't recommend trying to live like that.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-01 11:41 pm (UTC)He opened his mouth to apologize, but the other man answered his questions nonetheless. So, he remained quiet even as the tears were cleared off his cheeks. He looked down at the handkerchief held out to him, taking it silently.]
I am sorry. I... I did not mean to... [He continued to look down at the handkerchief, not quite sure how to feel about unintentionally making his partner remember past wounds like that. He did not know the person or people the other man had lost, he had not asked, it was not his place to.] I'm sorry.
[But, he had to agree, it was certainly no way to live. Erenville had always withdrawn into himself and, if he hadn't E'kayan with him now, he likely would have far more than he had just now.
And hadn't that been his mother's goal? To get Erenville to open up? Become more sociable and rely on others? And E'kayan certainly did have his friends, the Scions, to rely on. He pocketed the handkerchief and decided to act on impulse for a change... and likely because he hadn't allowed himself this even as his mother was due to fade away. He shifted where he sat, laying himself against E'kayan's chest. He was much taller than the Miqo'te, so there was going to need some adjusting but this time, he wanted to be held. One large ear listened to his heartbeat and he closed his eyes.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-01 11:47 pm (UTC)[And he is, he realises as he says that out loud. All that loss, the hurt, everything he'd been through... he is okay now. He's all right, he's stronger than he's ever been, and he's ready to face whatever this new threat against their home star might be.
He isn't expecting Erenville to move like that and he lifts his arms out of the way until the Viera has himself situated. A little laugh bubbles out of him as he brings them down to curl around him, one hand pushing through his hair and rubbing gently against the base of one of his long, soft ears.]
Heh... [It's... nice. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.] I love you, Elene'shpya. You know that, right?
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 12:08 am (UTC)And he was glad that his face was currently mostly hidden into E'kayan's shirt because his cheeks were darkening a bit at the words. But he did not disagree and he nodded against the man's chest.]
Yes, I know. [A beat.] I love you, too.
[He did. He really, really did. He buried his face a bit deeper into E'kayan's shirt.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 12:15 am (UTC)He sits in silence a little while longer, just gently stroking his palm against Erenville's ear and rubbing his fingertips around the base. Whatever time he needs to decompress and sort through his thoughts E'kayan will gladly give it to him and be there waiting when he comes through to the other side.]
You really did have a trial by fire to see what I mean when I say I'm an adventurer... [E'kayan murmurs thoughtfully after some time has passed. It's something he's thought of more than once, how Erenville always knew what he did was dangerous but he never really saw the reality of it.]
I'd say I'm sorry for dragging you into it, but... you wanted to come, and I don't think I could have stopped you.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 12:32 am (UTC)He puffed a sigh at those words, hiding his eye roll that was often reserved for Wuk Lamat.]
You wouldn't be sorry, anyway. And I had a certain "little kitten" to watch over, so of course I needed to join you. [And he isn't talking about you, E'kayan. Really, why does he suffer Wuk Lamat's antics? And yet, he never refused her, either.] Besides... it was my home. How could I not?
[But, E'kayan wasn't wrong. He never truly grasped the magnitude of the Warrior of Light's adventures. They were more than just a typical adventurer's journey. Much, much more.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 12:55 am (UTC)But then, it wasn't his safety that prompted the most concern in the end.
E'kayan has noticed how he's relaxed a little against him, though, and he pets lightly at one of his ears again.]
How could you not. [He murmurs in agreement.] Still, I wish I could've... I wish things could have been different, you know? I would have liked to see your village, and... all of that.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 01:37 am (UTC)...I wish you could have seen it as well. [All E'kayan got to see were abandoned ruins. It had been a shock to Erenville, seeing his house falling apart, completely emptied. There had been no signs that anyone had lived there, all in a matter of 30 years of abandonment. And if things had been different, well... he wouldn't be mourning in the Botanical Gardens, now would he?] It's not unlike the Outskirts, I suppose... without all of the Alexandrian technology.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 04:11 pm (UTC)He continues to idly pet the man's hair while he talks, sometimes stroking at ear or rubbing gently behind it. Erenville could be so withdrawn and quiet, so unlike E'kayan and yet... he does understand.]
Maybe you can tell me about it some time. [Maybe not now, when it still hurts, but... some time.] But, you know... I hope that you don't go too far until we figure out where to go next. We might need you again. If you think you'd be willing.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 04:32 pm (UTC)It almost brought fresh tears to his eyes, but what stopped him was knowing that it wasn't true. Yyasulani may no longer feel like home to him, but E'kayan was here. The Scions, everyone in Tuliyollal, even Sharlayan. He still had a place to belong and it was enough to stave off the sudden feeling homelessness.]
I would be. I would only a linkpearl away.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 04:52 pm (UTC)[It's nice. Comforting to know that Erenville is only a call away should he need him. He has so many amazing, reliable friends now...
The Miqo'te chuffs softly through his nose and gently urges the other man to shift a bit so he can lean down and press a soft, chaste kiss against his lips (after a quick glance around to make sure no one is observing them, but the gardens are quiet today).]
How do you feel about a quiet night in tonight? I'll make your favourite meal.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 05:05 pm (UTC)The kiss was quick, but no less full of warmth. He was sad it was chaste. He opened his eyes to look back up at the other man, he nodded with a small smile.]
That would be lovely, thank you, Kayan.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 07:43 pm (UTC)Then I'll do just that. I'll need to go by the market on the way home but I'm sure I have almost everything I need. [Gently, he strokes his thumb against Erenville's temple.]
And you know... it's okay to be upset. You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling about what happened.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-03 04:56 pm (UTC)[There was a few things they were going to need from the market just in general, anyway. So, detouring to the market on their way home would be fine. It wasn't like it was currently dinner time, they had the rest of the afternoon to get back to Amberfall.
He leaned into the touch at his temple. He closed his eyes with a nod.]
Yes, I know. I just... [He was still learning and adjusting to not being so solitary. But, evidently, his mother's entire goal for tasking him with finding the city of gold and to became a gleaner had not actually been to find the city of gold. But it was to learn to open up, not be so withdrawn and "dour". While he was... less unsociable than previously, it was still a work in progress.] 'Tis difficult at times. Not to fall into old habits.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-06 06:31 pm (UTC)Those old habits of his might well be more shaken off than he realises... though the Miqo'te understands how he might still slip into them under this kind of stress.]
Yeah. I get that. I think. [He pets one of Erenville's long ears in slow, gentle strokes.] ... When we got back from Ultima Thule, I didn't feel like I could let anyone see how much of a mess I was. I'm happy I can help you with this.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-22 03:12 am (UTC)[Erenville opened his eyes, looking up at the other man. He had not truly known the details of Ultima Thule, just the surface level kind. He was not the kind of man to pry, so he had yet to really ask for more on what happened that far out in the universe.
He likely wouldn't for awhile longer, it simply did not feel it was his place. Erenville didn't mind not knowing.]
Did you let anyone else see? Eventually?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-29 12:16 pm (UTC)No, I didn't.
[He wanted to. There were people - Alisaie and G'raha especially - that he might have eventually felt able to talk to about it all, but things never seemed to stop when it came to the Scions and himself in particular, and by the time he'd settled things in his own mind they were gearing up for another adventure.]
But... as it turns out, I didn't really need to. Going to Tural with you, helping Lamaty'i and Koana, and everything that we did together... It helped. More than any of you could ever know.
[The Miqo'te smiles, lifting his head up and looking out at the flowers and lush plants surrounding them.]
I was still having trouble with knowing that I didn't just have to do everything on my own. It was nice to take a back seat for once. To be someone who was just part of the team, not the leader.